


Human Traditions (An Ineffable Bureaucracy Short Story)

by Haltzie



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M, Multi, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21943573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haltzie/pseuds/Haltzie
Summary: When the authorities of Heaven and Hell start to suspect they've been tricked, both Beelzebub and Gabriel decide to come to Earth and stalk their new Opposition with the objective of finding out the truth. Little did they know that Aziraphale and Crowley would influence both of them as well.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	Human Traditions (An Ineffable Bureaucracy Short Story)

**Author's Note:**

> This contains slight spoilers of Good Omens, especially the ending. If you didn't watch the series nor read the book, I'd advice to read this fanfic later.
> 
> Also, this is a gift to @ValeryHowlter on Twitter. Thank you for reading.

The angel held the glass up as the barman filled it with champagne. His eyes, however, were focused on his companion who was sitting by his side. A gentle smile on his face, as he didn’t need to be cautious anymore with his _fraternizations_ , as he’d say, but would still be rather shy when talking about his feelings. “I like to think that none of this would work out if you weren’t, _at heart_ , just a little bit… A _good_ person”.

The demon’s glass was already filled with champagne. His golden snake-like eyes were hidden, but his glasses were unable to conceal Crowley’s passion for his angel as he whispered. “And if you weren’t, deep down, just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing”.

Aziraphale tilted his head, smiling and trying his best not to break the eye contact. Yet this time the angel wasn’t scared nor worried with possible punishments he or his loved one would receive. They were strong enough, he felt. Their _love_ for humanity - and each other - was strong enough to overcome any obstacles thrown at their faces. With Armageddon or Armageddon’t, they were still alive and well and together.

“Cheers!”, Crowley raised his glass, smiling towards his companion. “To the world!”

And the angel didn’t hesitate, raising his glass as well, soothing “To the world…”

To both worlds they fought for: the world of freedom and the world of love.

Perhaps the recents events caused some fallout in the nature of reality, because while they were eating, for the first time ever, a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square. Nobody heard it because of the noise of the traffic, but it was there right enough. Well, almost nobody, I’d say.

Outside of the Ritz, unknown to any ethereal, occult or human being, another demon was observing and carefully taking mental notes of every step that Crowley and Aziraphale took. Beelzebub scowled, keeping zzzzis eyes half closed, and trying zzzzis best to not vomit - I mean, if demons would eat anything and then feel nauseous, that’s exactly how the Lord of the Flies would react.

“I cannot believe it”, mumbled Beelzebub as zzzzir rocked zzzis head in denial. “What frustrating scenario did I get myself into?”

“I was asking the same question.” The Lord jumped from behind the plants used as a hiding spot. Immediately turning around to face a potential threat, Beelzebub frowned once zzzis eyes met the violet glare of the Opposition. 

Beelzebub hissed at Archangel Gabriel. “What’s the meaning of this? Were you spying on me?”

“I was spying on the _Opposition_ ” Gabriel corrected them. “Well, I mean, yet another Opposition, the greater one. Or the weaker one, or whatever.”

Recomposed, the demon understood what the archangel meant. “The Traitors, you mean?”

Gabriel fixed the sleeve of his jacket, eyes focused on the couple inside the Ritz chit chatting. He had a proud and arrogant smirk on his face. “You’re also traitors, but yes. I was talking about _them_ ”.

“I assume we have the same objectives, unfortunately”

“Unfortunately indeed. It’s a shame…” his eyes fell towards Lord Beelzebub’s. “that we can’t trust our own kind anymore”

The demon rolled zzzis eyes, turning to face Crowley and Aziraphale throw the window once again. The angel was known to cheerfully enjoy every food humanity has made, and it would be tremendously upsetting for him to share it with anyone else - but it seemed that feeding Crowley was an exception after all. Aziraphale looked quite happy.

In what world would a demon accept the gift of an angel? In what world would an angel give something for a demon if not with second intentions, like giving a glass full of holy water? Beelzebub felt that nauseous feeling once again, deciding to not stare at that gross scenario anymore. The floor was more entertaining and less strange.“Tell me about it...”

But Gabriel had a different thing in mind. Some flashes of a distant past, one that involved the demon before him - once having a different identity, a different name. A name which the demon made sure to forget, a name which the archangel has unfortunately forgotten a long time ago.

Gabriel breathed in, closing his eyes. It didn’t matter anymore, he thought. It was stupid to try to remember, so he repressed that desire without hesitation. “And that’s the reason why _you’re_ here, right? Satan’s followers won’t cooperate with you anymore, so you need to do the dirty work.”

Once he opened his eyes, he had a vision that brought back his usual smile: a rather frustrated Beelzebub, might add, posing as imperious as possible in a moment of distress. “The current issue is a possible rebellion, following the steps of those traitors…”

“So you don’t trust your kind, even if you believe they’ll blindly follow your orders?” 

“A demon should never trust another demon”, Beelzebub murmured to zzzirself, then continue in a higher tone. “I assume that’s the same reason you’re here. You want to know how they did it, right? How they survived?”

Gabriel smirked. “And finish the job in a proper way, by any means necessary. We can’t have those aberrations running around”. He thought he saw a sketch of a smile forming on the demon’s face.

And he indeed see a quick smile, for they had the same goal.

“I believe we’ve been tricked”, Beelzebub continued. “And that’s why I’m following them, to discover what kind of mischief they used against us”.

“In what world would a celestial force survive hell fire?”

“Or a demon swimming in holy water...”

“It’s not like they had some kind of protection or anything, God would _never_ do such a thing, why pity such little brats?”

The Lord of the Flies sighed. Zzzzir was starting to understand why Aziraphale wouldn’t want to be under the archangel’s wings, and honestly neither wanted the demon. But Gabriel kept talking, looking towards the sky for confirmation. When he didn’t receive any, he went back to staring through the restaurant’s large window.

“But either way”, he continued, “stalking them is the best way to investigate what happened that day.”

“Not the best way, but more convenient at the moment” Gabriel shrugged, without realizing that Beelzebub was already walking away from him, for Aziraphale and Crowley were already preparing themselves to leave the Ritz.

“The most interesting, to say the least”

Waiting for an answer that never came, he finally realized he was alone. Gabriel searched around for any signs of zzzzis presence. He frowned once he didn’t find anything, but he was sure that if he kept following Crowley and Aziraphale, he’d inevitably bump into Beelzebub again. And for once in a lifetime, the Archangel wasn’t completely wrong.

It was definitely a boring task for both of them. Running around the whole London, it seemed, following two lovebirds who were slowly learning how to spread their wings. Neither Gabriel nor Beelzebub could fly or teleport themselves closer, to avoid turning the spotlights towards them. As the sun was nowhere to be seen and the moon was rising to take its place, the Lord of the Flies found zzzirself standing in front of Crowley's flat. Apparently Aziraphale was in there with him. The short demon outside wondered what could possibly be happening, but zzzzis gut said it was probably a bad idea. There was hardly anyone outside, except for Beelzebub. The silence was convenient, making possible to hear any footsteps coming closer. So _this time_ the demon noticed Gabriel approaching.

“I believe that's some sort of human ritual they're do-”

Beelzebub shrugged. “Don't know, don't care”.

They stayed in silence for a while, staring at the building and imagining all the haunting scenes they could possibly see inside that Mayfair's flat. Scenes that probably weren't really happening. I, myself, don't know, for I wanted to give them some deserved privacy.

It's weird how they both were already being affected by Earth, even though they weren't there for too long. Imagining things? They weren't able to do that seconds ago. Being around each other comfortably? What the hell (or heaven)? Sharing useful information with the Opposition? Unacceptable! Obnoxius! Disgraceful! Intolerable! Yet...

“I think...” and for the first time Gabriel declared that, “that _pornography_ has something to do with the whole ordeal”.

Confused, Beelzebub frowned and mumbled “Pornography?”

The Archangel snapped his fingers and miracled a book. Its book cover was all orange, but it was old, dirty and almost falling. Neither could make out the title properly. The Lord had to stand on zzzzis tiptoes to see the object Gabriel was holding.

“Pornography!”, he smirked once again. “I'm pretty sure this used to belong to Aziraphale and-”

“And they learnt a ritual which made them resilient?”

“That's it, sunshine” (which was abruptly interrupted by “dontcallmethat”). Gabriel giggled, making Beelzebub step away from him as a response.

“So that's it?”, Zzzzir continued, “that's how they avoided death? That's so… so… disappointedly easy!”

“Yet we can do the same”, he proclaimed, his creativeness sharper than ever was in 15 minutes.

The demon jumped, not expecting the proposal. Gabriel reacted by smiling and explaining it better. One thing was clear: it involved both a demon and an angel, or perhaps humans in between, who knows? Actually, thinking twice, it wasn't that clear of a thing.

As they both tried their best to combine each of their brain cells to understand more about this “pornography”, they heard a loud laughter coming from the nearest building. A demon in black leather was dancing towards the Bentley, as an elegant white figure giggled and walked in the same direction. At that point, Beelzebub and Gabriel were already hidden behind a bench. At night, they thought, it was definitely way easier to stalk somebody, even the worst of your enemies.

“And it actually worked, just like that!”, Crowley exclaimed at the top of his longs.

“I can't believe it either! Who'd thought about it?”

Crowley smiled, hiding his hands inside his pockets as he stared at the beautiful and soft figure in front of him.

“It was worth it…” he mumbled to himself, but his angel was able to hear it.

As Aziraphale stood next to Crowley, he felt his cheeks burning bright red with excitement. His chest was burning too, with a familiar sensation of love. There was no one around him except for his demon, so it was easy to jump to the conclusion that it could only be Crowley. He proceeded to tell Crowley, while stuttering, about a certain “human tradition” he's commonly see as time passed by. Sometimes inside his bookshop, sometimes passing by a couple as he took his morning strolls or ate some sushi in a fancy japanese restaurant. But either way, it was very common, no matter the era he was in.

There were a lot of people interested in that conversation, of course, yet just one of them answered him.

“I think I know what that means”

“You know, living here for the rest of our lives…” Aziraphale came closer. “We're quite more human now than an angel and a demon and”

But he wasn't close enough, so Crowley obviously needed to fix that. “Angel…”

He nervously giggled. “Imagine the fun we'd had if-”.

Crowley leaned his face closer, making Gabriel smirk. “So we're getting our answers now! Fantastic!”

“Shut up, they're gonna hear you”

As the demon kissed the angel, they both felt sparks forming in between their lips. They hugged each other, feeling each and every corner of their bodies.

It was lasting way too long. Beelzebub crossed zzzzis arms as Gabriel sighed.

And suddenly they were both apart again. Panting. Smiling. Breathless. The happiest they ever were.

“That was… excentric!”

Crowley fixed his glasses. “That was weird. Let's never do it again”.

Aziraphale giggled. He sure didn't mean it, right?

 _Right?_ Oh yes, of course.

Once both were already gone with the Bentley, Beelzebub and Gabriel stood up. Both confused - and with that damn nausea again!

“That was it?”

“I suppose yes. That's the so called 'pornography’”

“And it saved them in the end?”

The Archangel turned towards Beelzebub. “There's only one way to find out”.

Zzzzir closed zzzzis eyes and nodded, but clearly was frowning “I can't believe I'm doing this…”.

Once zzzzis eyes opened, the Lord met Gabriel's purple glare again. There was deviance in those eyes, yet they looked even prettier at night. And that damn proud smile was annoying. They were always like that, even before Eden and the angels’ fall. But why was Beelzebub remembering this? Oh no, no, no, it needed to stop. The quicker it ended, the better. So zzzzis eyes were closed once again, and without hesitating planted zzzzis lips on his.

The shock they felt wasn't as intense as Crowley and Aziraphale's, but still it felt strange. Strange because it was supposed to feel wrong or forced, but it didn't. It felt like Heaven. A familiar sensation that brought them to a simpler time. Torture and freedom, two sides of the same coin. Some were luckier than others… Were they lucky now? And it also felt like Hell. And it didn't feel bad. They didn't even understand how it was possible, how something could be so evil that it was good. Confusion was followed by acceptance.

The touch was good enough to be romanticized, idealized by them, when in fact it lasted just some seconds.

When their faces were apart, they felt different. They explored each other with their eyes. For Beelzebub, Gabriel didn't look that annoying, at least not enough to want to punch him. And to Gabriel, well… he was entirely focused on Beelzebub's dark eyes. So mysterious and shiny, and his own reflection was perfect on them!

“Do you think it worked?”, the Lord asked shyly after a moment of silence.

Gabriel recomposed himself and shrugged. “I have no idea”.

Worried, Beelzebub continued “the only way we can know for certain is…”

“Using hellfire and holy water, yes.”

There was a moment of silence, as they each waited for an answer.

“Well, you first”.

“No, I must insist you go first”.

Neither did.


End file.
